The I in I Love You

An Egoist Theory of Love

Artwork Sourced from Pinterest. Artist: Brent Lynch.

The I in I Love You — An Egoist Theory of Love

by Antonio Rocco S. (Rocco Valentini)

Einfühlung is a German term related to the experience of art. It describes a subject projecting feelings onto an object—an assortative mating of one's own spirit with the spirit of the object. Einfühlung is a celebration and expansion of the ego or self, an external appraisal of something through the lens of one's values.

Empathy, unlike einfühlung, is not a projection of self, but a withdrawal of self. It describes a sacrifice of personal values for the feelings of others. Where einfühlung expands the ego; empathy contracts it. The difference between einfühlung and empathy can be summed up as "I see myself in you." versus "I set myself aside for you."

Einfühlung is love and to be loved is to have one’s soul judged as though it were a poem. One must carefully proofread their character to attract the desired audience. A great soul desires to admire itself. Spiritual hypergamy does not exist. The brilliant do not want the stupid. The brave do not want the cowardly. The ambitious do not want the content. The productive do not want the lazy. The honest do not want the deceitful.  To love greatly one must first become great.

Love is biconditional, not unconditional. Love asks, “What do I want?” and “What must I give?” Love is not a selfless act, as both individuals derive mutual benefit from it. Therefore, love is attainable only for egoists, not egotists. Egoism and egotism are two distinct concepts that are often confused with each other.

An egotist, commonly known as a narcissist, is someone who prioritizes their interests while ignoring others’. With a ‘what’s yours is ours, what’s mine is mine’ mindset, they’re quick to say “I deserve” but never “I have to.” In the context of romantic relationships, they show little interest in personal growth or reciprocity—keeping long lists of what their partner should be, yet finding even a single bullet point directed at themselves to be uncalled for. They label their inflated expectations as a form of "self-love" and having "high standards."  A key trait of narcissists is their use of hypocrisy to justify their actions or desires.  

An egoist, on the other hand, is like a game theorist who understands that their self-interest ends where another individual's begins. Egoists feel neither entitled nor indebted to anyone and view relationships as fair exchanges—value for value. In the context of relationships, egoists hold themselves and their partner to the same standards. An egoist admits it doesn’t feel good just to give—it feels good to give and receive, or better yet, to invest and make a profit.

People say that love doesn't have to be reciprocal and that it shouldn't keep score. Yet these same people who don't like to keep tabs are the ones who like to run them up. They ask why you didn't do your half of the housework and yet they call you "transactional" when you ask why they didn't pay their half of the bill. A moral man will not ask you to give without expecting anything in return. Altruism is the philosophy the farmer preaches to the ox who plows his field

Your partner is not a bank, they're an investor. Friendship is a charity. Friends with benefits is a nonprofit business. Romance is an enterprise. Most men view friendship with women as an advancement opportunity for FWB or romance while most women are content with platonic friendship since they tend to benefit disproportionately from a man’s effort at courtship. 

You shouldn't be afraid to walk away from or not engage with relationships that don't offer you the best ROI. The capacity to love is infinite but the means by which you can love are finite. There’s not enough of you or anyone to go around. Don't be afraid to say something like this: 

“I know what I want and it isn’t friendship. I am only interested in courtship. That is the price I set for my time, energy, focus, and emotional labor. I won’t lower it. If all you have to offer me is your friendship then you simply cannot afford me.”

No one can keep browsing forever; a relationship is proprietary software that comes with a EULA. Give them a timeline to agree to your terms and conditions or else withdraw your services. Ex: We must be monogamous and having sex on a regular basis within three months. We must be cohabiting and married within three years.

Marriage is of course optional. Marriage and monogamy are separate. You can be monogamous and even cohabit without being married. Monogamy is a relationship style. Marriage is a lifelong non-compete agreement. Monogamy is the state of being romantically and sexually involved with one person at a time. Serial monogamy is the state of  being romantically and sexually involved with one person at a time but different people over time. Polyamory is the state of being romantically and sexually involved with more than one person at a time.

Between polyamory and monogamy, monogamy—whether lifelong or serial—is in an individual's rational self-interest to pursue. Love is accumulated as compound interest, and lifelong monogamy is a low time preference behavior that creates a stable account for the individual's investment to grow. Serial monogamy also maximizes ROI in the short term by enabling more efficient allocation of emotional and intellectual resources. Polyamorous relationships have a higher rate of failure because they alter the incentive structure leading to reduced effort from those involved due to a decrease in psychological profits. Psychological profit and loss refers to an increase—profit—or decrease—loss—in satisfaction or happiness resulting from an action, condition, or circumstance that affects one’s mental state.

Polyamory decreases psychological profits due to the principle of diminishing marginal utility which suggests that as a person acquires more of something—in this case, more partners—the satisfaction—psychological profits—derived from each additional partner tends to decline. Furthermore, love is inegalitarian as human beings are neither homogeneous nor interchangeable. Each individual possesses a unique, unrepeatable soul, making it impossible to value all partners equally. As a result, there will always be a de facto hierarchy in polyamorous relationships which could lead to some partners feeling invisible or underappreciated. Due to this structure some individuals will always disproportionately benefit from polyamory.

Additionally, when comparing monogamy and polyamory it's important to revisit the idea that while the capacity to love is infinite the means with which you can love are finite. There is not enough of you to go around. Consider your mind and your time. Your mind is a limited resource because your brain functions like a computer and the emotions you experience as well as your focus are like threads running on a CPU. Being in multiple relationships will result in diluted emotions and focus similar to how a CPU in a computer partitions its processing power when multiple programs are open. Your time is also a limited resource not to mention it's non-renewable leading to potential opportunity costs if you choose a less stable relationship dynamic like polyamory.

Pareto efficiency, an economic axiom, dictates that resources cannot be reallocated to make one individual better off without making at least one other individual worse off. Similarly, an individual cannot redistribute their mind or time away from one relationship without harming another. Having too many relationships can result in spreading one's mind, body, and time thin, making it difficult to give each partner the care and attention they deserve. Specializing in one key romantic relationship maximizes its quality and avoids a tragedy of the commons.

Empatheia is an ancient Greek term related to the experience of passion or physical intimacy. It describes a subject projecting feelings onto an object. Unlike einfühlung or empathy, empatheia is driven by both personal aesthetic preference and biology.

Think of your brain as a computer. The tabula rasa or "blank slate" theory suggests that your computer comes with an empty hard drive, meaning you—or those around you—are responsible for programming your preferences. Conversely, evolutionary psychology argues that your computer comes with bloatware: pre-installed software that influences, or even determines, some of your preferences. When it comes to sexual preference, most humans are heterosexual because our species is sexually dimorphic and relies on procreation for survival. Physical arousal in the presence of the opposite sex is often triggered automatically by various stimuli—such as visual cues, sounds, and scents—that activate the release of hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain’s subcortical structures. There are also asymmetries between the sexes in both the degree and frequency of this arousal. The male libido is like a Gatling gun, while the female libido is more like a musket. Men are generally more likely to find women attractive than women are to find men attractive.

Trying to get a straight man to stay friends with a woman he finds attractive is like trying to get a dog to go vegan. It’s possible, but it goes against his nature, requires a high degree of compartmentalization and doesn't serve his best interests. Women should acknowledge this reality and navigate social dynamics accordingly, recognizing that most single heterosexual men—especially confident, self-assured ones—will desire more than just friendship with them whereas less confident, less self-assured ones will orbit and look for an opportunity. This is also a justification for mate guarding; men and women in monogamous relationships should be concerned if their partner has a close "friendship" with a member of the opposite sex. Whether or not there's a goalie isn't going to stop someone from shooting their shot and trying to score. 

Both heterosexual men and heterosexual women should avoid intersex "friendships" altogether unless they are single and romantically interested in the other person, as such relationships inevitably lead to romantic involvement or one party experiencing unrequited love. However, if the feeling of love is mutual, both people will naturally want a sexual relationship with each other. Sex is essential to human flourishing; it is as natural a need as eating, sleeping, or breathing. Claiming to love someone without ever having sex with them is like claiming to love a flower without ever watering it. Sexless relationships are more likely to fail and report lower levels of happiness and satisfaction. Conversely individuals with many sexual partners often struggle with pair bonding and are statistically more likely to have short-term relationships, cheat on their partners, and suffer from personality pathologies. Don’t expect monogamy without sex. Don’t give sex without monogamy. 

Love is einfühlung—it is when you see someone's mind as your scripture. Lust is empatheia—it is when you see someone's body as your church. Romantic love is the fusion of einfühlung and empatheia—it is a religion. Monogamy is monotheistic and sex is tribute. Loyalty to all is loyalty to none and love without sex is faith without works.